I Am So Useless

I thought that it's easy to be try hard as usual to be acting nothing seeing them two together. Well, today it does not seems that easy. Maybe I am emotional today after such a bad week and am I not really feeling very well, with my sore throat and flu. But I try to make myself to be there as long as I can see him,

I did it today, went to the gym together. I did even went for dinner and the group session with him and his boyfriend. Seeing them at dinner which I try my best to be like nothing it's pretty tough. But I think I still did it kinda well. I can control all my emotion. It's not the first time but the group session is kinda painful.

I have no idea why. Probably seeing most of them there, some of them already engage, some still single but I think they are happening some how. I am really that I am pretty useless. I am not talented, I am nothing there. At least K have Doug. Me? I have no idea. Seeing Doug hugs or even rubs his head on K does makes me feel bad. I guess I am jealous.

I know I would not get any of those recognition as someone's boyfriend unless I own one myself. I am like so called borrowing him from someone else without his knowledge. I feel I am so fake at that group just now. Try my best not to show any signs of bad feeling. I know I am so unless. I felt a sudden loneliness that surrounds me which I can't bear it now which I bust out right after we left.

I held on with that loneliness feeling till everyone is gone. Till I am at my car on the way back, and I cried. It just happened. I guess I am just lonely and maybe I am jealous too. I felt bad about it. I should not be jealous. Why am I being so lame? Why am I so weak?

I know Doug loves me but I will not replace his place in his heart. I know my status and position. But why am I feeling bad just now? Am I putting too much feeling in it? Like what Doug said today, he do hope that there will be someone to take care of me when he is gone to Singapore. I know I will miss him.

After he left, I guess he might loses the feeling with me. The distance that separates us apart might be an issue. Probably K have no problem with that as they have a lot more establish relationship. I having this problem now. Am I able to move on when he is gone? I think I am really in love with him. I do not even dare to think about or probably even avoid thinking that he is not around me.

Who will be going to the gym with me on weekends? Who is there to take care of me? Who will be there for me when I am down? Will I be strong enough to take that he is leaving me? I am really worry about it. I am scared I think. I am really scare. God, please guide me. What should I do?

Lets forget it. I am thinking too much I guess. Lets drop this and go to bed. Tomorrow always a better day. Maybe all I can do to make myself feel better is to pray. All I pray to our merciful Lord is to bless Doug. All I want is he have a good life, a happy life, safe and healthy. I will always love him deep inside and lets keep it that way.