Heart Breaking

I have no idea what actually I wanted to do. Andy just told me online not to wait for him anymore. He have been several times indicating that there are many guys showing interest on me, based on my blog. But do he really know what I feel? Actually there are not man guys showing interest on me. It's true that there are a few, but then they are not those potential guys for me.

There is a guy, Jasson. He is my pet brother, 30 years old, working in Puchong and he already had a boyfriend. For him, he don't think that his relationship blossom as they used to be. So he kinda into open relationship now. Although he is showing affection on me, but then there is no future between us. Andy knows that. I told him before.

Another guy is an Indian guy called Saram or better known as Lucaz in MSN. I think he is showing interest in me as he sms me recently, but not that often. However, there is nothing much I can say about this guy. I'm not interested in Indian guy. I'm not racist but then comes to relationship, maybe I'm kinda ocnservative, I can't accept black guys. As I mentioned earlier in my previous blog, I think everyone should know what type of guys I'm not into.

Basically, there are no more guys that showing affection on me anymore for now. These are all I know for now. There might be some lame guys who just asking for fun, but then I'm not into one night stand and that's it. So are there anyone that I can rely on my feeling to him? I have no one that I can really rely on now. I'm trying so hard to be strong that there are times that I wanna broke down and cry. I wanna cry out loud and hope that nobody ever hear me crying about it.

I told Charles, my best friend that I really miss Andy. I did try ask Andy told before to not to wait for him and try out with other guys. But there is simply no guys are really for me. No one good guys, suitable guy for me. Even those lamers, whenever I'm with them, I just can't stop thinking of Andy. I hate myself for loving someone that already told me to let go of him. Love is something miracle. I makes me happy yet sad at the same time. I don't know how much tears I have to shed for this unfruitful love that I'm hoping for.

I know no matter what I do, I can't change the fact that he will be going back to UK and work there. He will not stay here just for me. I can't be selfish for self asking him to stay but I really did hope. But now, all my hope is crush by the words that he told me. I think it's time for me to go on with life, leading a lonely footsteps ahead of me. Love is a blessed, a bliss and full of pain and tears. I don't know I have the guts to fall in love again or not.

At times, I really confused. He told me that I'm always in his heart. But then he rather ask me to let him go. Forget it, there is not point I'm grieving for it. Pain is pain and all I can do now is to endure it and forget it. The all good memories I can only keep and nothing more than that. All hopes are gone, I don't know why I'm crying while writing this blog. It might be one of the longest blog I blog in this blog page.

Terence, single is lonely, and road is rough. You hate the feeling of loneliness. But then this might be my destiny. To fall into this circle, to walk this path, to feel the pain and sorrow, to love those u loved but not gaining one of them. I'm really tired of life, especially my love life. It is really sucks. I hate being lonely yet I'm starting to scare to love again. Love is painful, no love is painful too. All that I ever loved, it's either betrayed my trust, or no longer love me, or there is no point being together. It's hard for someone to really understand me. Love is really not a good game for me. I'm a sore loser in it.

Andy, all I hope for now is that you stay healthy, happy and may all your dreams come true. I'll just keep this love with myself. Thanks for loving me. I know we will only remain as friend. It's really hurt to hear from you telling me not to wait anymore. Hope you have wonderful life ahead of you. The heart breaking moment, the hurts, the pain I'm having right now, I don't know how to heal it. I thought my Mum told me to wait if I think he loves me is the right choice, but then I guess I have to give up this time. Because I can't carry on anymore being reject for so many times by the person I'm waiting for. It's so hurt, and I really have no courage to carry on anymore. Goodbye my love.