Mix feeling

I guess what I wrote here, that person that I wrote about read it. I mean the previous blog that I wrote was dedicated to him. Anyway, that's not the main concern or rather dilemma for me. I don't really know how to put it in words but then seeing him having a wonderful life there with addition that recent treatments I get from him (not that he treats me bad but then I felt somehow he is trying to distance me apart or maybe I'm too sensitive), makes me have the intuition that he will be staying back there after his study.

As a friend or anyone that loves him, I should be happy and support all his decision. Even if he really plan to stay back there and get a job there, however as a person that hoping his loves for me, I gotta say I pray for his return. It's kinda selfish thoughts but then who is not selfish in relationship. Who can share their loves one with others or to be separated apart from each other. If he don't loves me, then I have nothing to say but to wish him all the best in everything he does.

I did wake up early this morning to chat with him in MSN messenger today. It's purposely, intentionally and not just because he told me that he will chat with me that time but I wanted to chat with him so much. Actually at times, me myself also can't recognise do he loves me. I mean things he done really touches my heart. However, at times, I felt that he wanna push me away a bit. Maybe he don't wanna hurt me, but then the more he pushes me away, the painful I get. If he tells me he don't loves me or things he done is really makes me feel that he is not loving me but others, maybe I know what I should do. I felt he loves me, but then I felt he don't dare to loves me. Love but can't love, that feeling sucks. Just hope everything will be fine for us. God bless..