I don't think I'll be a good supporter to him. He is busy with all his stuff and I can't help any. Well, of course because I don't like about politic, I'll definitely won't be able to help him on that.
As for our business, I'm not helping as well. He also can't think of a role for me to play in it. I also don't know. Guess I'll just be mascot or an observer as well.
With all this, I think that's why he wants to hire an assistant to help him out. That person sure isn't me. Won't be me to be the guy behind all his success. I'm just a burden to him in a sense. It will be someone that he likes and able to help him somehow.
I'm freaking tired to be always the one trying hard to make some conversation but I seldom received feedback. It's either he is busy till ignore me or he doesn't seems to want to reply me. At times I wonder who is that important person till he doesn't care to reply me at all.
Tired and feeling lonely and hurt. Feeling there will be more lonely journey I'll have to walk alone in the future. He will eventually have lesser time for me. I've to plan for the worst day to come. He won't understand it. Fuck it.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
First Post of 2013 - Unwanted Memories
It's been almost a year I didn't write anything here. I try not to post anymore stuff in this blog because I thought that I'm always pouring negative issues here, and not the positive ones. I think I'll have to post more here, especially the positive ones.
However, today I've to start blogging back with my usual, the negative one first. I know it's sound really sad to start the first blog of the year with something that negative but I don't know who to pour out so much at this moment in time.
My boyfriend and I were planning to start up a company doing coffee. Well, to cut the story short, I'm just going to talk about what bothers me today. He plans to hired a guy to help him out temporary with his work loads especially for starting this business since I've a full time job. He himself also don't have the time, and he also need someone to help him out a little bit for his political agenda.
The issue comes when the guy, Alex, whom he is planning to hire is a gay guy too. He is just in his early 20's kinda guy, which does make me feel a little but uncomfortable. But what makes me uneasy today is that he keeps on stepping me down in front of that guy, Alex. It's like he keeps on saying I've a bad sense of fashion taste, lousy accent, emotional, etc.
Then treating this guy extremely good, which I always find him treating other well better than people that really close to him. He is hiring this guy, yet wanna provide him with free accommodation. Temporary letting him staying over at his place, or the extra apartment. I also haven't gotten that privilege before. But the worst is that he said that he can drive his car to work.
In my days I'm working for him previously, I don't even get that when my car is in the workshop for a month. I'm his boyfriend some more. I was really speechless and upset, but I don't want to raise it to him in front of his friend. I take all of it at one go. I keep all this to myself and keep quite about it. Not going to complain nor say anything about it. Tired to justify myself.
If he thinks that's nice and fair to me, and what he is saying and doing are a way that he shows his love, then let it be his way. I'm not going to argue with him as I'm tired to do so. I'll never win over an argument with him. I'm just going to use the second stage of tolerance, to ignore him when I'm pissed.
However, today I've to start blogging back with my usual, the negative one first. I know it's sound really sad to start the first blog of the year with something that negative but I don't know who to pour out so much at this moment in time.
My boyfriend and I were planning to start up a company doing coffee. Well, to cut the story short, I'm just going to talk about what bothers me today. He plans to hired a guy to help him out temporary with his work loads especially for starting this business since I've a full time job. He himself also don't have the time, and he also need someone to help him out a little bit for his political agenda.
The issue comes when the guy, Alex, whom he is planning to hire is a gay guy too. He is just in his early 20's kinda guy, which does make me feel a little but uncomfortable. But what makes me uneasy today is that he keeps on stepping me down in front of that guy, Alex. It's like he keeps on saying I've a bad sense of fashion taste, lousy accent, emotional, etc.
Then treating this guy extremely good, which I always find him treating other well better than people that really close to him. He is hiring this guy, yet wanna provide him with free accommodation. Temporary letting him staying over at his place, or the extra apartment. I also haven't gotten that privilege before. But the worst is that he said that he can drive his car to work.
In my days I'm working for him previously, I don't even get that when my car is in the workshop for a month. I'm his boyfriend some more. I was really speechless and upset, but I don't want to raise it to him in front of his friend. I take all of it at one go. I keep all this to myself and keep quite about it. Not going to complain nor say anything about it. Tired to justify myself.
If he thinks that's nice and fair to me, and what he is saying and doing are a way that he shows his love, then let it be his way. I'm not going to argue with him as I'm tired to do so. I'll never win over an argument with him. I'm just going to use the second stage of tolerance, to ignore him when I'm pissed.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
All Those Fairy Tales Are Full of Shit
I like that song "Payphone" from Maroon 5. There is some part I feel it's pretty true to my life at this point in time. Does true love like the fairy tales exist? I believe it's full of shit like the song.
The part where that really triggers all my emotions is this:
"If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales Israel full of it, one more stupid love song, I'll be sick"
There is so many love song, especially from Taylor Swift, that give you all the fairy tales, happy ever afters love story that you put all you hopes in it. But it's really never that sweet and silky ride of it.
Finally, after so much of turbulence of hoping crushed under my skin, my heart already too tender to be even put any hope in my relationship. It's really scary to have no hope on something, but that's all I can have. It's not a relationship that will be blessed by anyone.
I understand my boyfriend's stand point. He wanted to be worthy to His Kingdom. That's why he doesn't want to commit. So actually there is also point loving me since it's not worthy according to his interpretation on bible. He is still loving me because of he just simply love me.
We believe that our God loves us because we have hopes, and then it turns to faith, and eventually come the blessing. Without hopes, we will not survive and trusting God when bad things happened.
Thus, I can conclude that there is no future ahead of us. It's like running a company because of your interest but you have no goals. The company won't survive for long. So a relationship that have no goals to built a family together, will eventually fall apart.
I'll have to prepare that this day will come. To begin with, I'll no longer have hopes in a relationship because their higher the hopes, the worst you fall. I finally understand why gay relationship can't work well. Because it just take one party that not willing to commit to ruin everything.
Gay life sucks. I'm started to hate myself to be a gay person. I can't even turn straight. Why don't God take me back to His side? It solve everything. I don't need a lover in Heaven, I need not to suffer about being a gay or not, I don't need to give a freaking care about meeting everyone's standard.
I won't want to think about having or even starting a family with my boyfriend already. It's hopeless. This relationship able to go through or fails, it's God plan. Seeing all the factors around, it's indicating we won't last. Fuck it all I care.
The part where that really triggers all my emotions is this:
"If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales Israel full of it, one more stupid love song, I'll be sick"
There is so many love song, especially from Taylor Swift, that give you all the fairy tales, happy ever afters love story that you put all you hopes in it. But it's really never that sweet and silky ride of it.
Finally, after so much of turbulence of hoping crushed under my skin, my heart already too tender to be even put any hope in my relationship. It's really scary to have no hope on something, but that's all I can have. It's not a relationship that will be blessed by anyone.
I understand my boyfriend's stand point. He wanted to be worthy to His Kingdom. That's why he doesn't want to commit. So actually there is also point loving me since it's not worthy according to his interpretation on bible. He is still loving me because of he just simply love me.
We believe that our God loves us because we have hopes, and then it turns to faith, and eventually come the blessing. Without hopes, we will not survive and trusting God when bad things happened.
Thus, I can conclude that there is no future ahead of us. It's like running a company because of your interest but you have no goals. The company won't survive for long. So a relationship that have no goals to built a family together, will eventually fall apart.
I'll have to prepare that this day will come. To begin with, I'll no longer have hopes in a relationship because their higher the hopes, the worst you fall. I finally understand why gay relationship can't work well. Because it just take one party that not willing to commit to ruin everything.
Gay life sucks. I'm started to hate myself to be a gay person. I can't even turn straight. Why don't God take me back to His side? It solve everything. I don't need a lover in Heaven, I need not to suffer about being a gay or not, I don't need to give a freaking care about meeting everyone's standard.
I won't want to think about having or even starting a family with my boyfriend already. It's hopeless. This relationship able to go through or fails, it's God plan. Seeing all the factors around, it's indicating we won't last. Fuck it all I care.
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