As many people already know, reading back my blog on August 2009, there is a guy named Douglas that I fancy, and later on more things happened between us if you read some of the post on the past few years. Of course now he is my boyfriend but currently I don't know what I want from this relationship anymore.
We work together and more and more conflict derived from our work and as well personal. I don't know whether what he wants for us is what I want for us. This have become the most hardest thing and issue between us. I don't think he wants to end this relationship but at the same time, I don't feel he will do anything to make it better. Don't even mention to move further.
I do not know whether he is ashamed of me or what. Perhaps he do. Well, till now we are still discreet guy, no one really knows about us except for our gay friends and some friends. At most is our parents, but his parents definitely doesn't agree to the idea of us, nor to say happy about it.
Lately, we have lots of argument especially after building this business together. He mentioned it today that we argue for the past one year and he is definitely not happy with our current situation. But there is nothing change and he won't change. Neither do I, he thinks that we are just not compromising for each other. Although I don't agree to it, and he will just say that he knows I'm going to say that because I never agree to whatever he says.
This has taken a very big toll to our relationship and I no longer feel that our love will move further. Although there are lots of times that he cools down and try to make those silly things and make me forget about the issue, but it's always a temporary measure. I don't think that there will be any changes to be better for both of us. At least not in the next one to two year from now.
We have a massive argument that later become purely sarcastic and ended without solving anything but act of denial of the matter persist. He then asked me to download the apps Between to have personal chats there. Somehow I soften myself for him again, but then that's all I get after a few moment of recap of our moments, he disappear again.
What should I do with my love life? Stay on with this man that I loved and wait for him to be an understanding man that I once thought that he is, or let him hurt me till the point of no return so that I can move on with life without him? I don't know. What I know now is that I still love him but it hurts me deeply everytime I see that he doesn't understand my needs and try to work out between us.
Terrance, don't lost hope :)
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