I don't know why should I even feel sad over him. Is not like I don't know that he is a guy that doesn't seem to understand relationship very well. He is somehow like his father I would say.
But I never know that it's still that hurt every time that he doesn't seem to care enough for me. It's like I'm the secondary to everything that he is doing. I'm not saying that I want to change who he is, but I'm feeling lousy of myself.
He always mentioned that I'm a needy person. Perhaps it's true. I am a needy person. But I don't know what he wants back from me. We doesn't seem to have the same alignment of wanting to see each other. Maybe that's the fact that I've to live with.
He sounded like he doesn't want to continue this relationship with me. Mentioned that he tries so hard for nothing and he did even wanna think about the future of us. As if I'm not working hard to sustain this relationship. I'm feeling so lost of his life. Perhaps I'm just never ever going to understand anybody that I love.
Every time I'm unhappy about something, he is able to make it sound like I'm screwing it up or I'm the one that pushing him too hard. He needs a break or something. I'm tired too of trying too. I need a break of myself perhaps. I've done nothing except sulking at him on phone. I'm just wanting his attention. Well, he only feel crap when I sulked.
So I shouldn't sulk at him? So keep everything to myself? I'm going nuts somehow. I do think of praying to God to take me back to be with Him as this life is so tough to walk. What is the point to try so hard and yet I'm feel like I'm falling all the time. Should I use Befriender service to reduce this negativity feeling?
Lately I've just gone through a minor surgery. Anyone who knows me well enough should already know I'm really phobia to pain. I had it on Wednesday, and he is a out station attending an event that I don't even aware of. I was worried that I disturb him too much I decided not to text him much post surgery.
But I got no call and what so ever till I texted him the next day around 3:30pm. But he replied me later just to scold me that he feel crappy of me sulking. I think I'm so lost, that I dare not talk to him anything about myself right now. The rest of the evening, the calls is just arguing.
This morning, I texted him first again. He replied some and left me hanging there. I figured it out that it's either he is late for work or something. I don't wanna make a fuss again and get another round of argument. I ignored him. And that's it. I had no words from him again till just now, he text me whether can see me later. It's 8:30pm.
See me after 2 days of surgery. Well, it's minor I know, so how about major? He scold me saying that I can't expect him to drop down everything just to see me. I didn't expect that from him either for such a small surgery but I'm expecting him to at least see me the next day, or even ask about how am I feeling with my condition after the surgery, but I didn't get it.
He did eventually ask how I feel this morning but leave me hanging half way without saying talk to you later or something. So my life have to rely on his free time to date and not exactly mutual? If I'm going to do whatever I like, I guess I won't even see him for like 10 days straight and he is fine about it. I'm tired to try so hard to sustain this. Let it be naturally.
He can do whatever he likes. I don't dare to expect anything from him. Perhaps there is a gap between us that I don't know how to get close to him. It's easy for him to get close to someone else, but why it's so hard for me to get closer to him?
No comments:
Post a Comment