Meanwhile, I'm planning with my ex-course mate regarding the tuition centre that she is planning to open probably end of this year or early next year. She wants me to be one of the partner as well. It's interesting as I can have a small like investment or business kinda stuff.
However, all this will take more of my own time and I will have less time for myself. Worst, I need to manage my stress level which will turns up to accumulate throughout time. I do hope there is someone is there for me to support me, to love me, to pamper me and can spend some time for me, hugging me by his side.
Maybe I just need that person to love me, cares about me and to be there for me. In actual fact, it seems they appear, but not really at the same time. Why I say it this way? First, there ain't like a dozen of guys that interested on me. So, I can only focus on those who I think potentially be the one.
There are some which I do not think they will have the guys to be with me or in this short future, they are not ready to be in relationship, so I can ignore those guys. By this, I manage to narrow down the scope to be two guys, Doug and El.
Doug is really a cool guy where I do likes him a lot. It's been half a year I'm dating with him knowing that he already have a boyfriend. I do not why, but it's fate that brings us together. I do feel bad as I'm the third party of his relationship, but somehow I just can't let him go. It the selfish part of myself.
El is another sweet and caring guy, which seems to complement Doug's incompleteness. However, he do not have the charm and interesting character as Doug. He can be a loyal boyfriend which care and love me for a very long time, but being with him will seems to be bored as he does not amaze me much.
To decide between them both, at first I do hesitate for awhile as El seems to be more promising boyfriend than Doug as I'm just stuck in between him and his boyfriend. But at last, or at least up till now, I still chooses Doug, someone I know I love him a lot yet that I might not gain the same love that I'm investing on him.
I do admit, most of the time, when I'm with Doug and his boyfriend, I do feel uneasy. I would not say jealous as it's not that I do not know my status and where I am standing, it's just that seeing someone that you love calling someone else "darling" or "sweetheart" makes my heart felt like a little spasm. I does hurt a little, but I still bear it because I do really love him. Love is really miracle. You can love someone unconditionally sometimes even though you can't see the promising future.
Back to square one, do I jealous of his boyfriend? I would say I envy him more than I jealous of him. I can see that Doug prioritize him the most. I can't blame him. He is his boyfriend and I'm just a lover. I've being thinking, we have only been dating in the gym for or classes, lunch or dinner together, or some time spare in his room occasionally when his place is convenient. Nothing much we did together already.
Other that the norm will be going to club with him once, going to his boyfriend's graduation, and really not much already. It's been so long that I am hoping that we can really go for a date. Not that we didn't date. Just feel lacking. We did not have any movie together at all since I know him. We did not even go for a vacation together at all too. Maybe that's why I envy him.
I do really hope that I can watch a movie with him, a nice one and hold his hand throughout the whole movie. Well, that's just a dream. It's time to wake up to reality, sometime if things did not change does not mean it's bad. I guess I have to go on with my life. I pray to Him to give me strength and faith in my actions. Amen.
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